How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
