So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
