Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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