Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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