well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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