I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
