Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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