@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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