I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
