I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
