i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
