I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just google imaged poop.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
