So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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