ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
