You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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