Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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