I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
