i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
