I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
