So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
