well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
