The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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