We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
