just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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