he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
