the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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