I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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