Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
