Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
