Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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