I want to walk on stilts...naked
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
