and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
