So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
