One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Found your dick twin last night
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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