Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize