she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
