the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
