I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
