If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
