my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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