last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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