So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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