her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
