I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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