You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Can Purell be used as lube?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
