So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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