she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
