Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
