I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
