we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
