Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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