i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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