you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
