I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
