I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
