My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
