Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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