I met the friendliest cop last night
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
