Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
