it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
