drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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