he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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