He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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