I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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