I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
